Get Me Out of This Line

For the past few weeks I have been contemplating attending a pre-martial class.  I am very interested in learning more about myself and how I might be able to function well in marriage.  Every time a friend heard me mention the class, the first thing I'd hear was, "OH!  You're seeing someone!??!".  My response....#sideye NO.

Here's the thing.  My plan was to start getting more information about marriage and relationships and hopefully to learn a whole lot more about me.  After all, this time in life is all about finding myself and gaining a better understanding about WHO I AM.  I think that when a person comes to a relationship whole and prepared, they will be better overall.  Hopefully, I will spend less time trying to have someone else validate things that I should have already processed on my own.

The problem...I got in the line this afternoon and started to practically hyperventilate.  I'm not really the nervous type when it comes to something that I want to do.  I might be a little uneasy in a new environment at first but, I get over things rather quickly.  Not this.  I stood in line talking to one of my girlfriends and my teeth literally began to chatter.  You didn't read that wrong...my teeth were chattering and I couldn't make them stop.  All of a sudden, this vision of me learning and growing in this class was slowly crashing around me.  There was nothing that I could do to pull it together.

I wasn't the only single in the class either.  Apparently, there were several more in the line waiting to gain access as well.  But the longer I stood there, the more I wanted to take off running.  Not like a jogging run, but a take-off-running-and-kick-myself-in-the-butt-along-the-way kinda run.  I couldn't do it.  I had to get out that line.

Once I got downstairs I began to feel defeated.  Like maybe I should have pushed past the emotions and just went to class.  Maybe I had made the biggest mistake ever.  So that no one gets this confused, I never thought that I would go to this class and meet someone.  That wasn't on my agenda.  I honestly just wanted to get better.  But I couldn't avoid the sinking feeling.  So what now?

The easy route is to sit and question if I'm good enough to even consider marriage.  Y'all ain't ready for the real emotions that go through my head at times! LOL!  Don't get me wrong, I know the answer to that.  I know the truth about who I am.  But, the thoughts are still real.  Maybe it's just not my time to stand in that line.  I'll know when it is.  I won't feel like running when it's my time either.  I'm okay with that.

So for now, I congratulate those who are ready.  Whether they have rings or are just like me, hoping to get better.  I tip my hat to you.  For right now, I'll have to be okay with my current position.  We'll see where this line may lead.