Shopping Once A Year

I'm in the process of purging my closet (i.e my entire life) from all of the clothes that no longer feel amazing on me. Besides that, let's be real...yall know that in the past I have been a thrifting junky and I have far too much stuff. With that said, I've been going through my items piece by piece and asking myself the following questions:

1. Do I look amazing in it?
2. If I were in the store right now, would I buy this again?
3. Does it fit?
4. Are there any stains?
5. Do you like it?
6. Have you worn it in the last year?
7. Can you mentally think of how you would style it?

Once I go through all of those questions, the garments either go into the keep, donate, or trash pile. This has been going on for a few days (hence the amount of clothes that I have). I'm really proud to say that a ton of things are going to the thrift store and other items that I had honestly forgotten about are about to start getting a lil more air time. I'm excited! Plus my life is feeling much lighter now that things are leaving my house.

Today I carried out some trash and I began to think about my childhood and what made me start shopping like a crazy woman in the first place. I think I have written before about all of this, so there is no need in me rehashing all the dirt. But, today's thoughts went a little bit further. When I started working at age 15, I remember that my sister and I would save up our money and put stuff on layaway throughout the summer. I would have a plan to grab as much stuff as I could on sale and then when it was time to get everything out, I was always certain to ask them to double check and make sure that nothing had gone on sale while they were in layaway (such a lil smartie!). On top of that, I would try to get enough clothes for both the summer and winter during this time.

When I think back, I don't remember ever wearing sweaters and stuff. It makes sense though because they wouldn't have been on sale in August! I always wore regular tops throughout the year and would just put on a coat. It made perfect sense to me! So how does a girl go from shopping once a year, to being a thrifty shopaholic?  Easy....LACK.

Lack will make you overcompensate in the area where things are scarce.  Give it some thought!  The person who never felt loved, may be the person that jumps from relationship to relationship with hopes of finding the magic cure to the whole in their heart.  Or maybe the person who lacked money grows up to stock pile funds so that they will never have a want again.  While it mentally makes sense to fill our lives with stuff (emotional or physical) because we didn't have enough of it, the truth is that extra stuff won't help.  It doesn't fill the hole that you are sensing.  So it's time for me to start letting go of stuff so that I can make room for the things that really matter.  Clothes don't matter.  Not having enough clothes doesn't matter.  That lack will no longer define me or be the guiding force of my life. 

Be better,

#SelfishlySingle

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the idea of being selfish while you are single.  After a discussion during Thanksgiving, I'm slowly realizing that it's both okay and important to be #SelfishlySingle.  PS--Sorry about the audio issues...couldn't fix that...I was talking too loud! :)

XO,

Paging Carrie Bradshaw...

I don't want anyone to think that I'm completely off my rocker.  I assure you that my mental state should not be questioned in any way.  Now that we have that clear, I'm going to say this with some bass in my voice...I'm searching for my inner CARRIE BRADSHAW.

No, I don't reside in New York, I don't have a tight click of girl friends that I do lunch with regularly, I'm not skinny (or white), I don't really care about shoes or designer fashion too much, and I'm not dating anyone (which means that I don't have this elusive rich guy named Big who is chasing my affections.  Actually no one is chasing me at all.), and I'm not having sex with the city of New York (or anyone/anywhere else).  Despite everything that I am not, somehow I am Carrie Bradshaw.

 For those of you who have no clue what I am talking about, I am referring to the beautifully fictitious character played by Sarah Jessica Parker on Sex In The City.  Though I wasn't a fan of the show when it was on regularly (mostly because I didn't have cable), I am a total junkie now.  I thrifted the entire series *#winning* and I watch the episodes over and over again.  There is something special about being a thirty something and watching these other thirty somethings attempt to navigate life just like you are.

I am Carrie Bradshaw because I'm working in my area of passion and I want to be awesome at it.  I want people to recognize my contributions and be respected for what I do.  I am in search of love too!  Every couple of weeks I mentally throw the towel in but, there is still a huge glimmer of hope behind all of the doom and gloom.  My house is small and a hodgepodge like hers, but it's warm and chill.

What I love about Carrie is that she just wanted to enjoy her life and find people and a special someone to enjoy it with her.  That lead her to kiss a lot of frogs (I'm avoiding that part), but she eventually got her man.  In addition, she was able to travel and experience aspects of life that few of us will ever be able to.

She also wore outfits that the vast majority of us would NEVER touch, but she felt good.  She had found her own identity.  As many of you know, I started this blog because I felt like I had finally figured out who I am.  I have miles to go before I reach Carrie status, but I'm well on my way.

Is there a character on tv that you identify with?  Who is it and what is it about them that reminds you of yourself or the person that you hope to be?  Please dish!

Living & Lovings,

Get Me Out of This Line

For the past few weeks I have been contemplating attending a pre-martial class.  I am very interested in learning more about myself and how I might be able to function well in marriage.  Every time a friend heard me mention the class, the first thing I'd hear was, "OH!  You're seeing someone!??!".  My response....#sideye NO.

Here's the thing.  My plan was to start getting more information about marriage and relationships and hopefully to learn a whole lot more about me.  After all, this time in life is all about finding myself and gaining a better understanding about WHO I AM.  I think that when a person comes to a relationship whole and prepared, they will be better overall.  Hopefully, I will spend less time trying to have someone else validate things that I should have already processed on my own.

The problem...I got in the line this afternoon and started to practically hyperventilate.  I'm not really the nervous type when it comes to something that I want to do.  I might be a little uneasy in a new environment at first but, I get over things rather quickly.  Not this.  I stood in line talking to one of my girlfriends and my teeth literally began to chatter.  You didn't read that wrong...my teeth were chattering and I couldn't make them stop.  All of a sudden, this vision of me learning and growing in this class was slowly crashing around me.  There was nothing that I could do to pull it together.

I wasn't the only single in the class either.  Apparently, there were several more in the line waiting to gain access as well.  But the longer I stood there, the more I wanted to take off running.  Not like a jogging run, but a take-off-running-and-kick-myself-in-the-butt-along-the-way kinda run.  I couldn't do it.  I had to get out that line.

Once I got downstairs I began to feel defeated.  Like maybe I should have pushed past the emotions and just went to class.  Maybe I had made the biggest mistake ever.  So that no one gets this confused, I never thought that I would go to this class and meet someone.  That wasn't on my agenda.  I honestly just wanted to get better.  But I couldn't avoid the sinking feeling.  So what now?

The easy route is to sit and question if I'm good enough to even consider marriage.  Y'all ain't ready for the real emotions that go through my head at times! LOL!  Don't get me wrong, I know the answer to that.  I know the truth about who I am.  But, the thoughts are still real.  Maybe it's just not my time to stand in that line.  I'll know when it is.  I won't feel like running when it's my time either.  I'm okay with that.

So for now, I congratulate those who are ready.  Whether they have rings or are just like me, hoping to get better.  I tip my hat to you.  For right now, I'll have to be okay with my current position.  We'll see where this line may lead.

Back-Up Off Of Me Now...please....

This past weekend, I spent time in New York with the bulk of my family in celebration of my cousins graduation from college.  I was super excited about the trip because my family never does anything together.  There are no family reunions and surely not any matching colorful t-shirts with family trees on the back (something that I think would kinda be dope to rock in unison at some random adventure park).  So this trip was a very big deal for us and specifically for me.

My aunt did an awesome job organizing everything and the accommodations were more than fitting for everyone.  After the bus ride north, I started to feel a lil weird though.  Here I was surrounded by some of my absolute favorite family members; laughing, talking, and catching up- but all I really wanted to do was put on my headphones and tune out. Huh?!?!  Weirdo.

I started to really retreat even more on day two.  I noticed that communication with my mom was even more limited and how I had the desire to show up to our food gatherings really late.  I couldn't quite put my finger on the emotion, but I just needed some breathing room.  I wasn't meaning to be anti-social or quiet.  I just couldn't handle it all at the same time.  It was all too overwhelming and I needed some space.

I'm realizing that in my lil single bubble, though I spend a lot of time with friends...much of my time is spent alone in the company of only myself.  I think that all of the sudden "family unity" threw me off.  I found myself having to reason (WITH MYSELF THAT IS!) to be more inclusive and to stop curling up in my little cell phone swiping-Beats by Dre-bubble.

However, though I needed to be more open to people asking me questions and simply being around; I also cannot neglect the care that my soul required.  I need time to pull away and decompress.  I now know that it is vital to my ability to socially interact with others.  It's not selfish.  It's just how I must function in order to be able to take care of myself.

Do you you ever need to pull away from people in order to remain sane?  Do you think that it's selfish or part of how you survive?

To The Late Bloomers

To All of the late bloomers.

The ones who's lives took years to kick into first gear

The folks who knew greatness was possible, but couldn't get a break

Who dreamed of the possible

But were forced to celebrate the victories of everyone else

The victory speeches weren't yours, the tears of joy were not on your face, the final fist pump above your head belonged to someone else...

To the late bloomers.

To the ones who have agonized over whether you were good enough, smart enough, cool enough, capable, determined, and lucky enough...

Here's to you

The late bloomers.

You have waited for the spotlight to swing your way

It's your time, right now--

to step forward and SHINE

Because even late bloomers

Deserve to dance in the sun

Here's to the late bloomers.

Cuddle Monster

When I was young, I used to climb behind my mother and sit behind her back when she sat down on the sofa. I'm sure that for her it was very uncomfortable at times.  Then again, maybe she enjoyed feeling me close. I don't know. I doubt that she even remembers. But I remember it. I enjoyed the feeling of warmth and sometimes I would play with her poofy 80's hairstyle. It made me feel comfortable.

It's no surprise then that the desire to be close and to cuddle-up with someone has not left me. To this day, my co-workers Trenace and Michelle can tell you that I have no issues with sitting close. I do the same to my friends Nicole and LaJeana whenever I get the chance as well. But let's be real...though I love my sisters...my true desire would be to snuggle beside a brotha. I'm a woman for God's sake! There's nothing like the smell of cologne and warmth. But since I'm single (VERY...VERY...VERY SINGLE...((SIGH)) and continuing this epic push for abstinence (Jesus!!!!), and there are no husbands in sight...WHAT DO I DO?!

To be honest, I have no idea what even made me want to type this blog. I guess that I just felt like sharing. Maybe someone else out there needs to know that they aren't crazy and that desiring to cuddle and feel support and warmth isn't your solo struggle. For this dilemma, I have but one answer. Let me warn you that it's so cliche and trite that I don't even want to type it. Most of us know this answer already anyway, but I am going to show you what I am really trying to do more of:

((Insert a trickle or two of tears depending on mood))....God. It's [insert name]. I need your help. I feel like I am standing alone in this world. Though I know that it's not true, it's just the way that I feel. I feel alone and lonely. Again, I know it's not true but it's just the way that I feel. You already know what I am yearning for. I think I know why people use the term "cuddle monster". I feel like there is a monster trying to rip me apart, but all in the name of so called "love". Please help me to not fill this God sized space in my soul with the things of this world. They will only leave me more empty and alone anyway. Please take these feelings and use them for your glory somehow. Show me your love and grace right now because I am struggling. Though my feelings may be failing me, please strengthen me with the truth and reality of my circumstances. I am not alone, you have given me friends/family/coworkers to be around. Collect my tears please. Help me to not drown in this lonely place. In Jesus' name...amen.

That's all that I got folks.

I know it will help.

Enjoy The Weekend Instead

It's official. I'm not a fan of holidays. I used to think that The Fourth of July was my favorite, but after careful evaluation of the last 8 years of the explosive event...it's not. I haven't been a fan of Christmas since the third grade. It would take too many hours on someone's couch for me to go in depth about that one.

Thanksgiving was an option. You'd think that being surrounded by good eats would sway my opinion, but nahhhhh. I could care less. Some people consider their birthday to be a holiday. Not me. If I went away somewhere by myself and did something alone, I'd be fine. I truly appreciate all of the nice things that people do for me on my bday...but I always feel bad. It's some deeply embedded guilt switch that runs in my family. It flips on and off at will. Watch out! You never know when it might strike!

I used to love Easter too. It's really close to my birthday. But, as the years have gone on and my inability to really be able to celebrate the holiday, have caused me to not really care for it either.

Wait! I probably should clarify that when it comes to the religious parts of some of the holidays, I like that part. I'm just the over commercialization. I'm sick of it. Let's just get back to eating with family, a quick celebration at church, and going home. How about that?

So I guess this is my official declaration of my lack of holiday enthusiasm. I'm over it. I think that holidays just end up making more people sad than happy somehow. More people seem to be hurting and then feel even worse because they think that they are supposed to be happy because of the holidays. I'm tired of people hurting. So with that...I'm done. Let's just enjoy weekends instead. :)